


Who Am I (When I Don't Know Myself)

by iwannafucktheguitarist



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 01:20:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6032881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannafucktheguitarist/pseuds/iwannafucktheguitarist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Bro, I keep telling you not to paint your nails on the couch. Someday it’ll spill and there’s going to be a big black spot that we won’t be able to get rid of,” Ashton says, carefully picking up the open bottle of nail polish and setting it gingerly on the coffee table. Ashton then heads into the kitchen, presumably fixing himself something for lunch.</p><p>Calum feels kind of weird being called bro, honestly. He’s not sure what about it bothers him; it doesn’t always feel wrong. And he is technically a guy. He has a dick and everything. Of course, he knows not all guys have dicks and not all girls have vaginas, but...he’s not a girl. He’d know if he was a girl, wouldn’t he? He’d have figured it out by now. Or at least, he thinks he would have. There would have been some indication, surely. Yeah, he’s always liked to look pretty and maybe he might have tried on Mali’s dresses a couple times when he was a little kid but it’s not like anything jumps out at him and screams girl.</p><p>In other words, Calum discovers that they're genderfluid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is the result of a conversation [belle](http://moodboardmichael.tumblr.com) and i had about queer calum and we just got really enthusiastic about genderfluid calum and she told me i should write it, so...here we are.
> 
> this will eventually have cashton, but it's not established at the beginning of the fic. a lot of this is based on my own experience with dysphoria, but as i am neither dmab or non-binary, i'm not claiming to be an expert.
> 
> calum will be refferred to by different pronouns throughout this fic depending on the gender they are experiencing at that time. but for the most part, they/them pronouns will be used.
> 
> also, i in no way am claiming to know the 5sos boys' genders/sexualities in complete certainty. i am fairly certain they are all cis irl and this is a work of fiction.
> 
> title is from invisible by 5sos

Calum balances the bottle of nail polish on the sofa next to him, praying it doesn’t tip over. Honestly, he should really learn to paint his nails at a table or in the bathroom instead of on an expensive upholstered piece of furniture, but he doesn’t. Ashton walks in the living room just as Calum’s putting the finishing touches on the second coat on his toes.

“Bro, I keep telling you not to paint your nails on the couch. Someday it’ll spill and there’s going to be a big black spot that we won’t be able to get rid of,” Ashton says, carefully picking up the open bottle of nail polish and setting it gingerly on the coffee table. Ashton then heads into the kitchen, presumably fixing himself something for lunch.

Calum feels kind of weird being called bro, honestly. He’s not sure what about it bothers him; it doesn’t always feel wrong. And he is technically a guy. He has a dick and everything. Of course, he knows not all guys have dicks and not all girls have vaginas, but...he’s not a girl. He’d know if he was a girl, wouldn’t he? He’d have figured it out by now. Or at least, he thinks he would have. There would have been some indication, surely. Yeah, he’s always liked to look pretty and maybe he might have tried on Mali’s dresses a couple times when he was a little kid but it’s not like anything jumps out at him and screams girl.

But then again, sometimes he does feel like a girl. Sometimes he looks in the mirror and his body just looks too hard, too masculine. On those days he doesn’t really know what to do. He knows he’s not a girl, and besides, everyone wishes they were the opposite sex sometimes, right? Though a little voice in the back of his head tells him he’s just lying to himself, that he’s weird, that he’s not really a boy but not really a girl. The thing is, he doesn’t even know if that’s a thing.

Today is one of the days where he does feel like a girl. He shaved his legs in the shower this morning and he’s wearing a loose T-shirt and his usual skinny jeans. But he looks down and his body just doesn’t look right, doesn’t feel right. He can’t bring himself to voice what feels wrong, even in his own head. He sighs. He checks to see if the polish on his toes has dried yet. It has. He stands up and heads into his bedroom, locking the door behind him and getting his laptop. He opens google and types in one word. Transgender.

There are a lot of results he has to wade through. He comes across an interesting term, though. Non-binary. He’s never heard that word before. He’s heard of guys who were born girls and girls who were born guys, but he has no clue what non-binary could mean. He clicks the link.

He finds a whole list of genders he never knew existed. Ones that aren’t strictly male or female. He comes across the term genderfluid. Apparently some people feel male, female, neither, or both, all at different times, or even at the same time. He feels like he’s found a part of him he didn’t even know was missing. He smiles dopily at the laptop screen for a bit before the panic sets in.

He knows now what he is, and it explains a lot. The feeling he has on the days he feels like a girl, the feeling that his body isn’t right? There’s a name for it: dysphoria. But along with that comes the knowledge that he is, technically, transgender. A lot of the search results were about transphobia and discrimination, and of course he’s not stupid, he’s seen the way people treat girls who were born boys (male to female, he reminds himself). And while he doesn’t exactly fit into that category, he’s close enough to worry what people are going to think. What people are going to say. What people are going to do. And it’s terrifying.

He begins crying, letting out all the emotions, all the things he hadn’t allowed himself to think because he was afraid of the conclusions he’d come to. He wonders how he’ll tell the others. His family. He decides not to worry about that right now. He finally calms down a bit and decides that, since he knows what this is now, what he is, he might as well look into it a bit more. He didn’t realize it was okay to use they as a singular pronoun. He thinks about that for a bit. Sometimes he feels like a they, other times like a she, other times like a he. He wonders if it would be too weird to change his pronouns day by day. He decides on they for now.

Calum looks into ways to deal with their dysphoria on their feminine days. They don’t want to do anything too noticeable when they’re in public, but anything will help. They come across an article on tucking, which they kind of had an idea of what it was, but they’ve obviously never actually tried it. They decide to try it. It ends frustratingly because their boxers are too loose and it just doesn’t feel right and it’s uncomfortable and the article assumes they already have panties to use and they just sit down and cry for a bit.

They pull on a pair of loose sweatpants and sit on their bed, arms around their knees, wondering what to do next. Obviously they’re going to have to come out at some point. If no one else, the other members of the band will notice something’s up with them. But right now, they’ve just figured it out themselves. They can’t tell anyone yet, not when it's still so new to them.

 

About another week passes. They’ve had a couple more feminine days since then, and have kind of figured out how to tuck, still thinking that it’d be better if they had something tighter to wear. They’ve had a couple neutral days as well. The neutral days are always the worst, they think. At least when they’re a girl they can do things to make them feel more like a girl, and when they’re a boy they don’t have to worry about any of the gender stuff for a bit, though it’s always at the back of their mind. But on their neither or both days, they just feel so confused. It’s not really physical dysphoria over their body, like on their girl days. It’s more like the feeling that everything is wrong. Like they don’t fit into any category.

They’ve been doing a bit of research online about coming out, too. Not that they think they’re ready for that. They don’t think the others will be upset, but they doubt they’ll understand fully. They order some makeup and a few pairs of panties online, hoping to alleviate some of the dysphoria they feel on their girl days. And they deal with their fears. They think of themselves as who they are now, not as a boy who just has weird thoughts sometimes. They’re not a girl nor a boy, and they’re learning to be okay with that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has the other boys in it a lot more than the previous one, but it's still mainly focused on cashton bc this is a cashton fic and right now it's taking place in cashton's house in la. but muke do make an appearance (not as a pairing though).
> 
> different pronouns are used in this chapter depending on how calum's feeling at that point in time, so it may be a bit hard to follow but i tried my best to make it easy to understand.

It’s about two weeks after Calum figured out they’re genderfluid that they come out to Ashton. Which, they kind of have to, honestly, given the situation. It’s on one of their girl days, and the dysphoria is killing her.

It’s her fault, really. She’s the one who didn’t lock the door. Though Ashton’s the one who didn’t even think to consider knocking. She’s sitting in her room at her desk, putting on makeup that she’ll never wear in front of anyone else, trying out some things she read on how to make her face more feminine, in a cute pair of panties with a print of puppies and bones all over them (honestly when she found them she was so excited) and an oversized t-shirt.

“Uh, Calum?” she hears Ashton say, which, shit, she didn’t even hear him come in her room. “What’re you doing, bro?”

Panic swells up in her chest. This is not how she’d planned on coming out, not how she’d wanted to tell him. But she supposes she has to so he doesn’t get the wrong idea. “Uh...I need to tell you something,” she says quietly, getting up from her desk and sitting cross-legged on her bed, patting the spot across from her.

Ashton sits on the bed and looks at her expectantly. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s just I’m not sure exactly, uh, how to explain it. I’m not, like, a boy? But sometimes I feel like a girl and sometimes I feel like a boy and then other times it’s neither one and it’s really confusing and I never knew there was a word for it but a few weeks ago I looked it up and I’m genderfluid. It varies from day to day whether I’m a guy or a girl,” Calum says quickly, getting everything out as fast as she can.

“Okay…” Ashton says quietly, obviously trying to process this. “So today you’re a...girl?” he asks, still seeming confused.

“Yeah. Today I’m a girl,” she says. “Yesterday it was both.”

“Okay. I still honestly have no clue what to say. Just, uh, how does that even work? Like do you want to be a girl, like get surgery and stuff?”

“No. I have days where I’m a boy too. But on my girl days I get what’s called dysphoria. You know how trans people will say they feel like they’re in the wrong body?” she asks him.

“I guess,” he shrugs.

“I look at my body and it just looks too big, too sharp, too male. I feel like it’s not supposed to look like this.”

“So what, you wish you didn’t have a dick or something?” Ashton asks, sounding extremely confused.

“On my girl days I do,” Calum says quietly. “I tuck on those days. It doesn’t help as much as I wish it would, but it makes me feel better to not be able to see it. I like doing my makeup but I never wear it in front of anyone.”

“Oh. Uh, is there anything you want me to do? Like, can I help you somehow?”

“Just, uh, I guess when I’m having a girl day try not to refer to me as a dude. It really bothers me then. And, uh, I’d kind of like to use different pronouns depending on what I feel like,” she says sheepishly.

“Okay, so today you’re a...she. Right?” Ashton asks cautiously.

“Yeah. And yesterday I was a they.”

“Okay. I’ll try my best, but I’ll probably mess up,” Ashton tells her.

“It’s enough that you’re going to try,” she tells him, leaning in and hugging him. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her hair as she begins to cry, the fear of rejection dissipating and the relief of acceptance filling her.

“It’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out, okay? You’re still the same person,” Ashton says soothingly, rubbing her back.

 

“So do you have any girl clothes, then?” Ashton asks out of the blue one morning when Calum comes in for breakfast.

They look at him, not having anticipated that question. “Um, okay, ignoring the fact that clothes aren’t gendered...I’ve not really had the chance to get any. I still haven’t told the others, you know? I’m still technically not out to anyone but you.”

“You should tell them,” Ashton says. “You know they won’t mind.”

“I know,” Calum sighs, rubbing the back of their neck nervously. “But I guess I’m just scared anyway.”

“Maybe you could write a letter. I’ve heard of people writing letters,” Ashton says, patting their shoulder soothingly.

“I suppose I could do that.”

 

Literally half an hour after they’ve returned home from leaving their coming-out letter in Michael and Luke’s mailbox, Calum hears footsteps running to their room and barely has time to think before they’re tackled on their bed and trapped underneath Michael and Luke. They let out a yelp.

“Sorry,” Michael says, removing his elbow from Calum’s stomach. “Why didn’t you tell us? A letter. Seriously, Calum. A letter. We’ve only been best friends since we were kids. But no. You wrote me a fucking letter. You told Ashton in person!”

Calum should probably have expected this. Michael’s been their best friend for over half their life, so they can understand his reaction. Luke just stays strangely quiet. “Ashton kind of walked in on me putting on makeup on a girl day, so I felt obligated to tell him,” they point out.

“Okay, fine. But why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell us you were bi for the first two years of the band?” Calum counters. “Because coming out is scary, that’s why. You should know that.”

“Fair enough.”

 

“So is today a boy day, then?” Ashton asks Calum one morning at breakfast when they sit down and he sees Calum’s wearing one of their holey t-shirts and skinny jeans. Ashton’s getting better about the whole figuring out Calum’s gender day by day thing, and they really appreciate his effort.

It’s not a boy day, though. It’s one of those weird in-between days where Calum doesn’t feel at home in their skin, doesn’t feel right no matter what they do. They usually tuck on these days as well, but they tend to dress as androgynously as possible, wearing loose shirts and usually wearing sweats. They’ve got rehearsals today, though, so they felt they needed to dress as close to normal as they could do comfortably. “No. It’s a neither day,” Calum says as they pour their cereal.

“What does that feel like?” Ashton asks them, and they have to pause and think about it a bit.

“I don’t exactly know how to explain it,” they begin slowly. “I guess it’s just, like, everything feels wrong, gender-wise. I don’t feel like a girl but I don’t feel like a boy. Sometimes I get dysphoria on days like these, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel okay with wearing something gendered, sometimes I don’t. The neither or both days are always harder. I feel like I don’t fit into any category. Everything feels wrong.”

“I can’t imagine what that’s like,” Ashton tells them, and they smile.

“It’s difficult to explain, that’s for sure. The boy days are the easiest, obviously, but the girl days are better than this. At least on the girl days I have a clear idea of what I am. Days like this are confusing.”

Ashton gets up and hugs them, pressing a kiss to their forehead. “Whatever you’re going through, I’m here, babe.”

Calum’s stomach does a little flip at that, but they don’t take the time to analyze why; they can worry about it later. Right now they just accept Ashton’s hug and hold him tighter, resting their head on his shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so we're getting the cashton party started here with this chapter. be warned, there's gonna be some angst before they come to their senses, so it might be a while before things get sorted out.

“Green?” Ashton comments as he sees Calum painting their nails with neon green varnish one day. “I thought you only painted your nails black.”

Calum shrugs their shoulders. “I thought I’d try something different. I’m thinking about trying out some designs and stuff. I’ve seen some tutorials on YouTube on how to do leopard print. That’d be cool. And flowers seem pretty simple too. Shit!” they exclaim as a spot of green nail varnish drips off the brush onto their brand-new pink Aeropostale sweat pants.

Ashton giggles.

They turn to see him looking at the green spot, trying not to grin. “This isn’t funny! These were brand new! I literally bought them yesterday! And if I use nail polish remover it’ll ruin them.”

“Okay, go ahead and take them off and I’ll wash them right away. Maybe if we wash it before it dries it won’t stain,” Ashton tells them.

Calum sighs. “Ashton, you may not have noticed this, but eight of my fingernails are covered in wet nail varnish. If I try to take these off, I’ll just get even more of it on them,” they point out.

“I can take them off of you,” Ashton offers.

Calum gapes at him. Did Ashton seriously offer to take their pants off of them? Like, Ashton would be on the floor in front of them pulling their sweatpants off. They gulp. But they really don’t want the nail varnish to stain, so they nod their head.

Ashton kneels down in front of them and Calum avoids looking at him because lately they’ve been feeling weird around Ashton and they really don’t know what’s going on and they’re probably blushing as Ashton slides the pants down over their hips and they step out of them. “Those are cute, babe,” Ashton says, looking at the purple and blue striped panties Calum is wearing, and if they weren’t blushing before they definitely are now.

Before they have a chance to reply, Ashton’s gone to put the sweats in the wash. They sit back down on the couch, now in just an oversized t-shirt and panties, feeling oddly exposed, and finish painting their nails. As they’re sitting waiting for their nails to dry they contemplate their relationship with Ashton. Ever since they came out, Ashton has replaced bro with babe on their neither or girl days, and while Calum appreciated that Ashton’s stopped calling them bro when they’re not a boy, the nickname babe just feels different. More...well, less platonic. Add to that the fact that Ashton literally just complimented their panties...Calum’s confused. They know Ashton is straight. Like, 100%, definitely hetero dudebro no homo straight. Yet it seems almost like he’s flirting with them. They don’t understand it. They wonder if Ashton thinks of them as more of a girl now and maybe that’s why he’s flirting. They are kind of pretty as a girl, they think. That’s probably it. It’s more teasing flirting because they’re cute than actual serious feelings.

 

“I don’t want to be called Calum on my girl days,” they tell Ashton one day as they’re sitting in the living room on the couch watching TV. “It makes me feel weird. I know that’s my name, and I don’t want to change it or anything but...could you maybe come up with a nickname that sounds more feminine?”

Ashton mutes the TV and looks at them for a bit. “You know I’ll still think of you as a girl on those days even if you do have a boy name. But if you want I can call you something different. How about Callie?”

They consider that for a moment. That’s an actual girl name. They smile. “I like that.”

Ashton smiles in return and they lay their head on his shoulder as he unmutes the television and they watch reruns of Family Guy.

 

It’s a girl day today, and Callie’s getting dressed. She and Ashton are just going to hang around the house today, so she could theoretically just wear her pajamas all day, but she likes to look pretty and feminine on these days, and she can only do it on days off because she can’t go out in public like that.

She’s in her panties and bra (which, okay, maybe she doesn’t need a bra, but it makes her feel more girly so she wears a AA-cup push-up bra anyway to give a bit of an illusion of a chest) looking through her closet to find something to wear. She decides on a dress she got at Hot Topic that’s kind of form-fitting at the top but has a fuller skirt and it comes halfway down her thighs. It’s black with a pattern of skulls.

She does her makeup as well, black eyeliner and just a bit of mascara, pink lipstick and a bit of glitter. She can’t really do much with her hair to make it feminine, so she just decides to leave it. She pulls on a pair of knee-high black and white striped socks and decides against shoes because she’s not leaving the house and shoes would be a nuisance. Her nails are still green but they’ve chipped a bit; she may redo them in a different color later.

She tells herself that she’s getting all dressed up because she can’t be herself in public on her girl days, but part of her knows that that’s not the whole reason. She likes it when Ashton tells her she’s pretty, when he kisses her cheek and calls her babe and she knows he’s straight and she’s not a girl all the time but it’s easy to forget that when he’s letting her lay her head on his chest and telling her she’s beautiful. On her boy days, Ashton acts kind of awkward but tries to be like he used to, saying bro instead of babe and almost sounding like he’s trying to reinforce it in his head that Calum’s not a girl. It’s confusing. She sometimes wonders if Ashton maybe likes her and is struggling with it because he doesn’t like boys. He tells her that she’s the same person whether she’s a boy or a girl or neither, but she sometimes wonders if he’s trying to convince himself more than her.

She heads into the living room to find Ashton watching The Hangover. “Hey, you started it without me,” she pouts, looking at the screen where Phil is pocketing his class’s field trip money to use for Vegas.

“It’s literally only like three minutes into it. If that,” Ashton points out. He pats the spot next to him on the couch in invitation. “C’mon, sit. It’s not like you haven’t seen it before anyway, Callie.”

As she sits down she notices him watching her, almost staring. She doesn’t say anything except, “Popcorn?”

Ashton hands her a bowl of popcorn and she takes a handful, being careful not to mess up her lipstick. “You look really pretty today, babe,” he tells her, kissing her forehead, and there...it’s that, the casual compliments and pet names and small touches, that confuses her. He never does that on her boy days. She kind of misses it then, honestly.

“Thanks,” she says. She returns her attention to the movie but notices that Ashton’s still looking at her, a puzzled look on his face. “What?” she asks.

“Are you wearing a bra?” he asks her.

“I usually do on my girl days; you’ve probably just never noticed because I’m usually wearing something loose. It’s a push-up; it just makes me look like I have boobs, and tiny ones at that,” she says, looking down at her chest as she says it.

“They look real,” Ashton tells her, his eyes avoiding hers, and okay, that’s it. He thinks she’s hot as a girl but he doesn’t when she’s a boy. Or at least, she thinks that’s what it is. She’ll have to pay more attention.

“Are you blushing, Ashton?” she asks him, incredulous.

“Maybe. You really are very pretty,” he tells her, leaning in.

She knows what’s going to happen, knows she should probably stop it, knows this will make things awkward when she’s a boy again and Ashton realizes what he’s done, but she’s wanted to kiss him for ages so she lets him cup her cheek gently with his large hand and press their lips together.

He presses his lips to hers softly, almost chastely, pulling back and looking in her eyes. Whatever he sees must make him more confident because he leans back in, taking her lower lip into his mouth and sucking a bit, and she whines. He is...an amazing kisser, she thinks as his tongue enters her mouth, brushing her own, his thumb gently caressing her cheekbone, and the kiss tastes like lipstick but she doesn’t care because she’s wanted this for ages.

The movie is completely forgotten as Ashton sets the popcorn on the coffee table and Callie feels his hands on her hips so she moves to straddle him, still kissing the whole time. Ashton’s hands run all along her arms as he kisses her deeply. She doesn’t want this to end. Ever. But it does. As Ashton’s hands pull aside the straps of her bra and reaches to grope her he apparently comes to his senses, feels the lack of real breasts, and Callie feels like crying as he pulls away, looking guilty.

“Sorry,” he says. “I got carried away there. It won’t happen again, I promise,” he tells her, wiping the lipstick from his mouth and walking away with an obvious erection tenting his sweats, leaving Callie feeling unwanted and used.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it looks like the entire story will be updated today lol. i'm writing these as i go. this chapter is just angst. warning for use of transphobic language.

Callie sits on her bed crying. She can only imagine what her face looks like right now, mascara streaked down her cheeks from the tears, lipstick smudged from the kiss. She fixes her bra back to the way it was before Ashton...before he made the mistake of acting on his supposed attraction to her. Because she’s not a real girl. She’s not even a real boy. She’s just...nothing. Ashton was attracted to her until he remembered that Callie’s got a male body. As soon as he went to touch her chest and found nothing there, he snapped out of it.

She looks down at herself. Still in the pretty dress, still looking nice and dressed up. Except her face is probably a mess from crying and the kiss before that. She feels empty. She’d had a taste of happiness for a bit, felt like maybe Ashton felt the same, felt like maybe all his compliments and gentle touches and flirting weren’t meaningless after all. And maybe they weren’t.

And it wasn’t even like Ashton didn’t enjoy it; she saw he was hard when he walked away. Her body must not have been a problem physically for him. This will be awkward the next time she sees him. She grabs some pajamas and heads to the bathroom to take a bath.

That night, she lies awake wondering why Ashton kissed her in the first place if all he was going to do was say it was a mistake and it’ll never happen again. She falls asleep, thinking she can still taste him.

 

The next day, Calum feels like a boy. He gets dressed in a pair of sweats and his Maine t-shirt and heads into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. Ashton’s there, and he won’t even meet his eyes. Calum feels tears welling up in his eyes but he wills himself not to cry. He takes his cereal to his room and lies in bed looking up at his ceiling, wishing he knew what to do about this whole thing with Ashton.

 

Calum goes to Michael to talk about it after a couple days of Ashton acting like they don’t exist. Maybe talking about it will be good for them.

Calum opens their mouth to tell Michael what happened and bursts into tears. It takes a few minutes of Michael rubbing their back and cuddling them to get them to calm down enough to tell him what happened.

“So he hasn’t been talking to me for days, ever since it happened. It’s like he thinks that if he ignores it it’ll go away. But I can’t forget it Michael, I just can’t.”

“You need to talk to Ashton. Tell him how you feel. Everything. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

“Okay,” Calum says weakly.

 

A couple days later, they manage to find an opportunity to talk to Ashton about it. Ashton’s watching TV in the living room and Calum goes and sits down next to him. “Can we talk?” they ask him nervously. Ashton nods. Calum takes a deep breath, steeling themselves. “Why did you kiss me?” they ask bluntly.

Ashton gulps. “I don’t know, Calum. It was just a heat of the moment thing; it won’t happen again.”

“Why do you always tell me I’m pretty or beautiful and call me babe and kiss my forehead and flirt with me when I’m a girl but then the rest of the time you act like you’re not interested in me? Why did you make me think you wanted me but then leave me like that? Why are you so afraid to be attracted to me? If you don’t want me when I’m a boy, then don’t fucking flirt with me and kiss me and tell me I’m pretty when I’m a girl. It’s fucked with my emotions and I can’t take it anymore, Ashton. And now you’ve just basically been pretending I don’t exist ever since you kissed me.”

Ashton looks scared. Like a deer in the headlights. “Calum, I just...it’s confusing, okay?! You always look like an actual girl on your girl days and sometimes I forget you aren’t always like that and you’re so beautiful in your makeup and dresses and it makes me want things I’m scared of.”

Calum gapes at him. They’re shocked; they didn’t think he’d admit any of that. “I am a girl. I’m just...a boy too. And sometimes I’m neither or both. I’m sorry if that confuses you. I can’t exactly help it, you know,” they say coldly.

“And I don’t like boys! I’m straight, Calum. That’s why I couldn’t keep kissing you. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you! Because you’re a guy and even when you’re dressed up all pretty and hiding it you’re never going to be a real girl! You’re a trap, is what you are! Even when you’re wearing a bra and you have your dick tucked up in your panties you’re still not a girl! You’re not a girl, you’re not a boy, you’re not anything!”

Calum feels like they’ve been slapped in the face. It’s like Ashton’s basically just put a voice to everything their dysphoria has ever made them think. Like he’s basically just validated all their self-hatred. “You’re right,” they say quietly. “I’m not anything. I’m just a freak. I’m never going to be a boy or a girl. I’ll always be wrong. I’m gonna go now.”

They go to their room and lock the door, sitting down on their bed and curling up into a ball, crying. Of all the people in the world, they’d never thought Ashton would think those things of them. They’d thought he was on their side, that he accepted them, that he understood. They look at their closet, a conglomeration of girly and boyish and androgynous, and they wonder if Ashton’s right. If they’re not anything. If they’re just worthless, meaningless. Not fitting in, not fully a boy, not fully a girl...maybe the world would just be better off without the confusion they cause.

 

The next day is another girl day. Callie bites her lip to keep from crying at the thought of Ashton’s harsh words last night. She never would have guessed Ashton was thinking those things. About anyone, but especially about her. She pulls on a pink oversized sweater and some blue skinny jeans and head into the kitchen for breakfast. Ashton’s there, his head laying on the table, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. Looks like she wasn’t the only one upset after their fight. She removes the bottle gingerly and places it in the fridge, looking down at the boy she thought would always understand and accept her.

She fixes a couple pieces of toast and forces herself to eat, even though she has no appetite. She then goes into the living room and curls up on the couch, the TV on but not watching it. Ashton’s words from last night still bounce through her head. He’s right. She’s not a real girl. And she never will be, because she has boy days and days where she’s neither or both. But she’s not a boy either. She wonders if she’ll ever be able to see Ashton the same way again after all the things he said last night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this chapter is basically just smut except for the first few paragraphs. callie is a girl in this chapter, so she/her pronouns are used. so this is technically het lol.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton’s voice comes from the entryway to the kitchen.

“You called me a trap,” Callie says quietly, her lip quivering. “Said that I’m not anything. Not a girl, not a boy, nothing.” She looks away from where he’s standing across the room, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face in her knees.

She feels the couch dip as Ashton sits next to her, feels his arms wrap around her. “I know,” he says quietly. “I didn’t mean it, I promise. I was just scared.” He rubs her shoulders, and she starts to relax a bit.

“It still hurt,” she tells him, lifting her head to see his eyes brimming with tears of regret. “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean it; you still said it.”

“I’m sorry,” he tells her again, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She pulls back. “Don’t. Don’t start with the flirting and the telling me I’m pretty and the little touches. Don’t do that again. Don’t act like you want me when I’m a girl . You’d never be with me as a guy, so don’t fucking tell me you want me right now. I can’t take that again.”

“Callie, I swear I was just scared. I do want you. Boy or girl,” Ashton tells her, gently caressing her face with his hand.

“If you leave me this time, I will never forgive you,” she tells him. “If you want me as a girl, you’d better want me as a boy too,” she warns, already starting to lean into the touch of his hand on her face.

“I do want you, I promise,” he tells her, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers.

She’s hesitant, still unsure whether this is really what Ashton wants, whether he really likes her no matter what. He must sense this because he pulls away and whispers for her to relax, that he means it, that he really does want her, boy or girl. She relaxes a bit as she feels his arms pull her closer so their bodies are almost touching, and he lifts her onto his lap, and she gets a bit of deja vu, only this time the kiss is less heated, more sweet, as Ashton has his hands on her waist while they kiss.

She pulls away after several minutes, catching her breath. Ashton takes this opportunity to kiss down her neck, finding a spot under her jaw that makes her moan, biting and sucking a mark into the sensitive flesh. She feels herself getting hard, and is suddenly very glad she hadn’t tucked today. He continues to explore her neck with his mouth, and it feels amazing, but she really wants him to kiss her again so she grabs his hair and brings his face back to her level and presses their lips together again, mouths open, tongues brushing together, and now they’re making out, and she doesn’t think she’s ever been kissed this good.

Ashton pulls away, and for a moment Callie’s terrified he’s changed his mind, but he just pulls his shirt up over his head and pulls her back in, and she takes the opportunity to run her hands all over his toned muscles, that she’d always admired but never dreamed she’d be able to touch. His hands are running along the bottom of her sweater, and he runs his hands up her sides under her sweater, and she loves the feeling of his large hands touching her body, exploring her like this. She reaches down and pulls her shirt off, revealing the cute purple bra underneath. “You’re not going to freak out this time, are you?” she asks him, truly concerned that everything will stop once he remembers she’s not biologically female.

“Promise,” Ashton says, hands on Callie’s shoulders as he kisses down her neck to mark her collarbones in several places. He reaches back behind her and undoes her bra with seemingly little difficulty, and the straps slip down over her shoulders a bit. She pulls back a bit, allowing him to remove it completely. She looks at him nervously, knowing what he’s seeing doesn’t exactly look female. “It’s okay, baby,” he says softly, pressing another kiss to her lips as he reaches up and touches her chest as if she actually had something there, thumbs rubbing her nipples.

She groans, feeling so turned on, she wants him so bad, wants him to fuck her, but she doesn’t know if Ashton would want that. Doesn’t know if he’d be okay with fucking someone who has a dick of their own. She’s so hard it’s starting to hurt a bit, dying for some friction on her dick. She tries to surreptitiously grind against Ashton and as she moves her hips she can feel that he’s hard too. She whines a bit as he bucks his hips up against hers and they get a bit of a rhythm, and it feels so good, their dicks rubbing together through their clothes.

“Can I—can I fuck you, Callie?” Ashton asks her, his breathing uneven.

“Yes. Definitely. Please,” she tells him. “But we’re gonna have to go to my room for that.”

Once in her room, Callie pulls off her skinny jeans, leaving her in just a pair of pink panties, her erection very obvious, the head almost peeking out of the waistband. Ashton’s got his own pants off and his now sitting on her bed naked watching her get lube and a condom out of a drawer and head back over to him. “I’ve never, uh...never been with someone who has a dick,” Ashton tells her.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that,” she tells him, leaning in and kissing him softly. “It’s okay; I’ll do most of the work. I’m gonna ride you.” He moans at that, and Callie smirks a bit as she reaches for the lube, slicking up a finger and using the other hand to move her panties aside, pressing the finger into herself, groaning a bit as it enters her. She continues with one finger for about a minute before slicking up a second and adding it, spreading them, stretching herself, getting herself ready for Ashton’s larger-than-average cock. She finally gets three fingers moving in and out of herself, and she’s moaning, and she sees Ashton stroking himself as he watches her.

She finally judges that she’s ready, so she gets a condom, ready to open the foil packet when Ashton says, “Can we, uh, do it without the condom? Wanna feel you.”

She nods, setting the condom aside, spreading lube onto his dick then straddling him, lining herself up and slowly sinking down on his dick. She’s never felt this full. Ever. It feels so good, having Ashton inside her, so much better than her own fingers. She’s never actually slept with a boy before now, and it feels amazing. She lifts her hips experimentally and sinks back down, the feeling making both of them moan. She can feel every inch of him inside her, dragging against her walls as she begins to ride him harder. She’s never felt this good; this feels amazing, having Ashton inside her like this, and then she leans down to kiss him and the change in angle makes his dick brush her prostate and she moans. “Fuck, Ashton, you’re amazing,” she says as she continues to move above him.

“Callie, you feel so good, you’re so tight, oh my god,” Ashton groans. He flips them over then, catching her off guard, continuing to fuck into her, the new position causing friction on her dick trapped between them in her panties, and it’s overwhelming how good it feels.

She knows she’s probably not going to last now, she’s never felt this good, and the fact that it’s Ashton, it’s Ashton who’s fucking her, making her feel like this, just makes it a million times better. “Gonna...gonna come,” she manages to say in between groans. Ashton reaches down between them into her panties and starts stroking her and that’s it, she’s coming, and it’s definitely one of the best orgasms she’s ever had and Ashton comes inside her shortly afterward.

After Ashton cleans her off and puts her panties in the wash, he lies down next to her, wrapping his arms around her. “I’m sorry,” he tells her once more. “I was a real dick and I was afraid of my feelings. I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again.”

“Promise you’ll still want me when I’m a boy? Or neither? Or both?”

“Promise,” Ashton whispers, and kisses her forehead.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is one of my favorites so far tbh. it's got a good bit of fluff. and cashton omg. calum's pronouns change several times in this chapter bc it takes place over a longer amount of time than the others.

Calum wakes up alone. That’s the first thing they notice. The panic begins to set in, the fear that maybe Ashton didn’t mean it after all and regretted it and only wanted them as a girl. They then hear the door to their bedroom open and Ashton walks in carrying a tray with a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice. “Hey baby,” he tells them. “I made you breakfast.”

“I thought you’d changed your mind when I woke up alone,” they admit, sitting up to take a sip of orange juice.

“No. I’m never going to change my mind about you,” Ashton tells them. “So what’s today then?” he asks.

“Boy,” Calum whispers, looking at Ashton, half-worried he’s going to freak out.

“Okay,” Ashton says simply. “You look cute with your hair all rumpled like that,” Ashton tells him, and Calum snorts.

“I do not look cute right now. I just woke up. But thanks. So is everything...everything’s cool right? You’re not still freaking out about liking someone with a dick who’s a boy sometimes, right?” Calum asks. He just has to make sure. He’ll probably have some doubt for a while, given some of the things Ashton said during their fight.

Instead of saying anything, Ashton just leans in, moving the tray to the bedside table, and kisses Calum intently, hands on Calum’s shoulders, for a few seconds before pulling back and looking him in the eyes. “I’m never going to do that again. I promise. And I’m never going to say anything like the things I said during our fight ever again. Okay, Calum? I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with me being a boy today?” Calum asks again. “You were pretty adamant that you don’t like boys.”

“I don’t like boys,” Ashton says, and Calum’s heart sinks a bit before Ashton adds, “I like you. Now eat your breakfast and get dressed.”

Calum smiles as Ashton leaves his room, thinking that maybe things are going to work out alright after all.

 

They’re on the plane to Japan now. Calum’s nervous about how they’re going to handle their girl days on tour. It’s not like they can wear makeup without people thinking it’s weird, and dresses are completely out of the question. It won’t be like before, either. Before, they didn’t know they were genderfluid, and they still had dysphoria but they didn’t realize what it was, so they didn’t know how to make it better. Now they know what makes it better, but they won’t be able to do it. The most they’ll be able to do will be tuck. Definitely no bras or dresses.

“What are you thinking about, babe?” Ashton says, squeezing their knee comfortingly.

“How am I going to deal with the girl days on tour?” they ask. “I can’t wear my bras, and I can’t wear my makeup, and my girl clothes are definitely out of the question.”

“You can still tuck and wear your panties, babe. I know it’ll be hard; everyone calling you the wrong name and calling you a ‘he’. But they don’t know. The only way for people to know would be for you to come out. And I know you’re not ready for that yet, baby, I get it, but if you ever want people to publicly acknowledge it, you’re gonna have to tell them,” Ashton says, pressing a kiss to their forehead.

“I’m scared,” they whisper. “I want to tell people; I do. But most people don’t even know what being genderfluid is. I’ll have to explain what it is, in addition to telling people what I am. And a lot of people don’t think it’s even real. A lot of people think you can only be a boy or a girl. And we’ll lose fans. I’m sure we will. And...I don’t know if I could handle the hate I’d get. People can be so mean. People will think I’m a joke.”

“We’ll get through it. I promise. And when you’re ready to tell people, I’ll be right here for you. Love you, Cal,” Ashton says, wrapping his arms around them as well as he can in the airplane seats. Calum buries their head in Ashton’s shoulder, so glad that they have Ashton. So glad that Ashton doesn’t really hate them. So happy they have a boyfriend who understands. “We can go shopping in Japan if you want; get you some new clothes. You can say they’re for your sister if anyone asks. That might make you feel a little better on your girl days if it’s a day off.”

“That’d be nice,” Calum says. They actually like that idea. Japan has some really good fashion trends and they’re sure to find some cute clothes.

“And you can still wear eyeliner and paint your nails,” Ashton points out. “You’ve been painting your nails since October, and Michael wears eyeliner sometimes so it’s not that weird.”

“Do you think people will think it’s weird if I painted my nails a color other than black?” they ask seriously.

“I don’t think so. The bright green really suited you.”

Calum smiles.

 

“I wanna get my ears pierced,” Callie says out of the blue on one of her rare days off that coincides with a girl day.

“Really?” Ashton asks her. They’re out shopping and Callie has spotted a place that does ear piercings.

“Yeah. I mean, Michael’s ears are pierced,” Callie shrugs.

“Yeah, but he stretches his. But if you want to you can; I’ll go with you,” Ashton says, and Callie squeals and grabs his hand, practically dragging him to the kiosk.

Callie sits down in the chair nervously. She knows it probably isn’t going to hurt that bad, but she’s never had a piercing before. But it probably won’t be as bad as a tattoo. The piercer cleans her earlobes with alcohol and places the gun in position. Callie feels a sharp pain, and then it’s over. The process is repeated for the other ear, and when she looks in the mirror there’s a cute rhinestone stud in each earlobe. She smiles.

“You look cute,” Ashton whispers in her ear.

“Thanks,” she whispers back, squeezing his hand surreptitiously.

Back at their hotel, Callie can’t stop looking in the mirror at her new earrings. She looks through the new clothes she bought too. She wonders if she could get away with wearing a tutu onstage. She could brush it off as a joke, she thinks. She got a green one today, as well as a ton of other clothes. She decides she’ll wear it at the next show she has on a girl day.

 

Calum’s painting their nails green again, at Ashton’s insistence that it’ll be cute and “People won’t think it’s weird, Cal.” They smile a bit. They always love painting their nails, it’s something to focus on and it’s kind of relaxing. They finish their fingernails and move on to their toes. They know people don’t see their toenails, but they like to do them as well, always matching.

They wonder if it’d be very weird for them to get them done professionally, or if that would be seen as too girly. Then again, they did just get their ears pierced, much to the joy of the fandom. It was kind of shocking to see all the positive posts about their pierced ears and how cute they looked and how hot it was. It makes them think that the reaction probably wouldn’t be too bad if they came out. But they still don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon.

They’re out to their family, and most of their friends. It’s cool to see how their famous friends took it so well, and now on their girl days people like Pete Wentz or Alex Gaskarth are referring to them as Callie and using she/her pronouns, and otherwise using they pronouns most of the time. They smile thinking of how accepting everyone had been. Mali had basically screamed that she had a sister now, and Calum had to remind her that they’re only a girl sometimes, and Mali insisted that they’re still her sister at least some of the time.

All in all, their friends and family have been way more accepting than they could have dreamed, even if she did have to explain it to a good few of them. And Ashton...Ashton’s been incredible. He’s the best boyfriend they could have asked for, they think.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like the longest chapter i've written for this fic omg. but this has a bit of smut in it, and also some malum friendship, and talk of the future. a teensy bit of angst as well. enjoy!

When Callie walks onstage in the tutu, she swears she might have gone deaf from the screams. She smiles. She shouldn’t have worried about it. Yeah, she’s still having to pretend to be a boy right now but she’s got a bit of eyeliner and mascara on and she’s tucking and she’s wearing an actual skirt onstage right now over her skinny jeans and no one thinks it’s weird, so right now she’s pretty happy. And the other boys are using the name Callie tonight as much as they can without it seeming odd, and Michael even called her she at one point, brushing it off as a joke because of the tutu.

Callie’s smiling and full of energy throughout the whole concert, and she knows there’ll probably be posts about how happy she seems and how good the concert was, and she doubts there will be any negative posts about the tutu, so she’s pretty satisfied with how tonight turned out.

As she walks backstage afterward, she feels herself being dragged over into a corner. Ashton basically pins her to the wall and kisses her fiercely. “You looked so good tonight out there, fuck,” he says, mouthing at her neck. “So pretty,” he tells her. “I wanna fuck you so bad right now.”

“Later,” she tells him, her breath coming fast, and she’s trying not to get hard because it hurts when that happens when she’s tucking.

 

When they get back to the hotel, as soon as the door closes, Ashton’s got her pressed back against it, pinning her to it, kissing her heatedly. He pulls his shirt off and she looks at his toned body. He’s so gorgeous, and she honestly can’t believe she gets to have this. He’s always more attracted to her sexually when she’s a girl, she thinks, but they’ve been together a couple times on her neither or boy days.

He pulls the loose Green Day t-shirt she’s wearing over her head, and she blushes, always insecure over her flat chest, though he’s told her many times it doesn’t turn him off. She tends to wear a bra on her girl days anyway, and she feels kind of exposed like this, even though she trusts Ashton. He spends a little while just touching her chest, like he probably would if she actually had boobs, and she appreciates the fact that he treats her like a girl when he’s with her like this. He presses kisses down her neck, then starts leaving little marks on her collarbones where he knows they won’t show. She shudders at the feeling of his mouth on her. She’s starting to get hard, and it’s getting uncomfortable because she’s tucked.

“Ashton, hold on a second,” she pants, “I need to fix my...you know.” She doesn’t like referring to it as a dick on her girl days. She doesn’t quite know why. She supposes it’s the dysphoria. He walks away, going over to the bed and pulling his own jeans off as she undresses and fixes herself. She keeps her panties on; she usually does when they have sex on her girl days. Looking at it bothers her.

She heads over to the bed and lies down, and he lies above her, kissing her again, reaching inside her panties and stroking her, making her whimper. “You’re so pretty, Callie,” he tells her, pressing little kisses all over her face.

She blushes at his compliment as usual. “Thought you were gonna fuck me,” she reminds him.

He gets up off of her then and goes to his bag, retrieving lube and a condom. He walks over to the bed. “Do you want to do it like that, on your back?” he asks her, leaning in and kissing her before settling on the bed between her spread legs.

“Yeah,” she says quietly. “Please, Ashton.” He smiles and she feels him pull her panties aside and she feels him slowly press a finger inside her, moving it around, stroking her insides, making her shudder in pleasure. He adds a second not long after, moving them around, looking for her prostate, and she moans when he finds it. He continues to press against that spot for a bit, then withdraws his fingers and presses back into her with three. By now she’s panting, so turned on, and she really just wants him to fuck her. “I’m ready,” she says, breathing hard.

“Okay,” Ashton says, rolling the condom on and slicking up his dick with lube, then slowly pressing inside her. She shudders at the feeling of him filling her. It always feels so good when he fucks her. And then he starts moving and she groans at him moving inside her; it feels amazing and she still has trouble believing she gets to have this.

He changes the angle a bit and brushes against her prostate, and she whines loudly, and he continues pressing into that spot on each thrust, and she’s almost crying with how good it feels, and then he reaches inside her panties and starts stroking her and she comes with a cry of his name, and he follows shortly after.

That night when they’re lying there tangled together, Callie thinks that that may have been the best night she’s ever had.

 

“I think I might want to go on estrogen,” Calum tells Ashton one day when they’re sitting in the back lounge of the bus, their head on his shoulder.

He just looks at them for a bit. “What about your boy days? What will you do for them? And you’ll have to publicly come out before you do that, too. People will think it’s odd if you grow boobs and you’re still presenting as male publicly.” He doesn’t sound opposed to the idea, though, which is good.

“I don’t have a lot of boy days,” they tell him, which is true, boy days aren’t very common for them; most of the time it’s either both or a girl. The neither and boy days are fairly rare. “But on the boy days I can just wear a loose shirt or a tight sports bra I suppose. And not tuck.”

“Okay. You should think about it a lot though. And like I said, you’ll need to come out first,” Ashton tells them.

“Are you okay with that? Me going on hormones?” Calum asks him. Because they want to know that it’s not going to change anything if they do. That Ashton will still want them.

“If it makes you happy,” he tells them, smiling down at them. “I don’t care either way. It’s your body; you make the decision. But before you even come out publicly, you’ll have to tell management.”

“Fuck. That probably won’t go over well,” they state, groaning. “Maybe after the Asian leg of the tour I can do that. Shit; how the fuck am I gonna tell them?”

“I’ll go with you,” Ashton tells them, ruffling their hair and kissing their forehead.

 

“Callie, why was there a bra in my suitcase?” Michael says through the door to her and Ashton’s hotel room. She opens the door to see him holding a purple plaid bra.

“Oh, thanks, I was looking for that,” she says truthfully, because she’d seriously been wondering what had happened to it. She’d assumed she’d left it somewhere. She takes the bra from his hand and looks at him. He’s still waiting for an explanation. “Michael, I honestly have no idea how my bra got in your suitcase. If I was going to prank you, I’d come up with something better than that,” she says truthfully.

He shrugs. “Yeah, you probably would,” he agrees. “Well try to keep track of your things better.”

She heads back into the hotel room and puts the bra in her own suitcase. Ashton is out with Luke, exploring the city. She’d usually be with them, but she doesn’t really want to have to pretend to be a boy today. She’s so bored right now. She decides to text Michael and see if he wants to come over and watch a movie. He texts back saying he’ll be there in a bit.

“We don’t spend enough time together,” is the first thing Michael says when she lets him into her room. “Ever since you and Ashton got together, it’s like the band’s split into two halves.”

Callie looks down at her feet guiltily. She can see why Michael would think that, and she has kind of been spending most of her time with Ashton lately. “I’m sorry,” she says. “We need to have more time for friendship things,” she agrees. She turns on the TV to see that The Hangover 2 is just starting. “Wanna watch this?” she asks Michael. She hasn’t seen it in ages, can barely remember the plot.

About an hour into the movie, she remembers why she hasn’t watched it in so long. Right. The transgender stripper that Stu slept with. That he calls a man with boobies. That’s why she’s avoided watching it. She sees Michael turn the TV off as soon as that scene happens, looking at her worriedly. “Are you okay?” he asks her gently. “That was really shitty; I forgot about that part.”

“So did I, obviously,” she mumbles, tearing up. “Is that what people are going to say about me? Will people be grossed out about me like that? Will it be even worse for me because I’m not a girl all the time? I’m really scared of coming out, Michael.”

“Hey,” he says, lifting her chin so she’s looking at him. “No matter what happens, you’ll always have the three of us. I won’t let anyone be mean to you. I promise.”

“Thanks, Michael,” she tells him. She’s quiet for a while. “I need to tell our management. After the Asian leg is over. Ashton’s gonna go with me. You and Luke should come too.”

“That’s a big step. But necessary. I’ll go with you, and I’m sure Luke will too.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this chapter is them telling their management and filming the coming out interview. the interview will air in a later chapter. warning for one use of a transphobic slur and a bit of transphobia and homophobia in the first part of the chapter.

Calum takes a deep breath. They, along with the rest of their band, are sitting at a table in a room waiting to meet with their management. They’re really worried right now. Worried what’s going to happen. Worried this will hurt the band. Worried they’ll get yelled at. Worried they’ll be told they’re a boy.

A member of their management walks in and sits down. “If this is about Michael coming out as bisexual again you guys can go ahead and leave; we’ve told you already that you’d lose fans if he gets a boyfriend.”

Michael mumbles something about Billie Joe Armstrong being bi and Ashton glares at the man. “That’s not what this is about but I still think you’re wrong about that,” Ashton tells him.

“That’s because you don’t understand business,” the man says. “Now why did you ask for this meeting?”

“I want to come out,” Calum says in a burst of bravery. The man stares at them.

“How many of you are gay?” the man asks in exasperation.

“Um, zero?” Ashton says confusedly. “Michael’s bi, Calum’s pan, I’m heteroflexible, and Luke’s demisexual. So none of us are gay.”

“I don’t even know what most of those are. And if we already told you no about Michael, why do you think we’ll say any different about Calum?”

“I’m not asking to come out as pan; I wanna come out as genderfluid,” Calum says.

The man runs his hand down his face. “I hate to ask, but what is that?”

“It means I’m not a boy all the time. Sometimes I’m a girl, sometimes I’m both, sometimes I’m neither. I have the definition here on my phone,” they say, handing the phone to the man.

“So you’re a tranny?” Calum winces at the slur. “This is just great. No. Absolutely not. Do you have any idea how that would affect the band? Do you have any idea how this would affect your popularity? I don’t care if Calum wants to wear skirts or whatever in his free time, but you are absolutely not going to be anything other than male while you’re under our management.”

“If you don’t let me I’ll just do it anyway,” Calum threatens. “I don’t care what the consequences would be. It’s not actually mentioned in the contract,” they say, grinning. “So while you would be mad, you technically couldn’t do anything because it’s not against your official rules for us.”

“Okay, fine. I don’t like it, but I’ll arrange an interview. And I suppose since we’re doing this we can talk about Michael coming out too,” the man says, obviously angry but unable to do anything.

Michael grins. Calum is beside themselves with happiness. Sure they’re also nervous and a bit scared, but they’re going to get to come out. So they’re excited. “So when would this interview be taking place?” they ask.

“Probably best to do it soon so you don’t do anything stupid,” the man says.

 

A week later, they get a call from their management telling them they’ve scheduled an interview for them so Calum can come out. It’s in a few days, and it’ll be prerecorded. Calum’s extremely nervous, but also very excited. They plan what they’re going to wear. They decide to wear something a little girlier than they’ve ever worn in public before.

The interview falls on a girl day, strangely enough. Callie puts on a bra and a purple shirt under a loose pink sweater, with some blue skinny jeans and some black converse. She paints her nails pink. She does a bit of contouring with her makeup to make her face more feminine. She’s going all-out with this. Since the interviewer’s been told beforehand what the interview’s about, she doubts it’ll be that much of a shock to see her dressed like this. She puts in a pair of dangle earrings with big silver butterflies on them and a necklace with a heart.

“Holy shit, Callie, you really went all out,” Luke says when he sees her as they’re heading to the interview.

“Yeah,” she says, shrugging. “I just hope this goes well.”

“It will,” Ashton tells her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I believe in you.”

 

“I’m here with 5 Seconds of Summer, who have some very big and surprising news about one of the members,” the interviewer says, and the camera moves over to the band. “I’ve been told you’d like to be the one to say it, Calum. Would you like to go ahead?” the interviewer asks.

“Uh, yeah,” Callie says. “Obviously, you can tell something’s different from how I’m dressed,” she laughs a bit. “I look like a girl. That’s on purpose, and it’s not a joke or anything. I’m genderfluid. I suppose I should explain what that is for most of you. It’s a gender that a lot of people don’t know about, one that’s not male or female. Sometimes I have days where I feel like a girl, like today. Other times I feel like a boy. And there are days where I’m both, or neither. I use different pronouns depending on what I’m feeling each day. On my girl days, I go by Callie.”

“That’s probably shocking and confusing news for a lot of our viewers,” the interviewer states. “So today you’re a girl, correct?”

“Yeah, I am,” Callie says.

“So are you going to have any surgeries? Go on hormones? Change your name?”

“Uh, those are really personal questions,” Callie says, chuckling nervously. “But because I’m not a girl all the time, surgery isn’t really a good option. I’m considering going on estrogen but I’m not sure about it yet. And I only use a different name on my girl days; the rest of the time Cal or Calum is fine. And Callie’s close enough it’s still technically just a nickname.”

“You said some days you’re neither or both. What’s that like?”

“It’s, uh, difficult. Everything feels wrong. I don’t feel like anything fits, gender-wise. The neither days are the hardest. On those day everything just seems out of place. The both days are a little better. The boy days are the easiest, obviously. Girl days are still better than the neither or both days. I can do things to make me feel like more of a girl.”

“That’s interesting. So how has you coming out changed things for the band?”

“Not much, actually. When I first came out, it was a little difficult but I think everyone’s gotten used to it now,” Callie says, turning to the others.

“Yeah, we are,” Ashton says, putting his arm around her. “Took a while to quit calling them ‘bro’, though,” he laughs. “She really makes a beautiful girl, though, doesn’t she?”

“Ashton, seriously, stop with the compliments. I’m not that pretty,” she says, blushing.

“Now you two look a little closer than usual as well. Is anything different with your relationship now that Callie’s out? I know you two were living together; was that difficult at first?”

“Well, I mean, at first it was really tense,” Ashton begins, then pauses. He whispers in Callie’s ear, “Do you want to tell them about us?” She looks at him and nods. He turns back to the interviewer and continues talking, “Because I was used to it being Calum, just my bro, you know, but then I walk in on her putting on makeup and she decides to tell me she’s genderfluid. Which is actually how she came out to me.”

“Yeah, that was about two weeks after I’d figured it out myself. I got myself some girlier clothes to wear around the house and stuff, and I came out to Michael and Luke,” she says.

“In a letter,” Michael adds. “She’s been my best friend since we were kids and she wrote me a letter.”

“It was Ashton’s idea. I was nervous!”

“Whatever,” Michael says, huffing.

“Anyway,” Ashton says. “So now I’ve got this pretty girl living with me. And it’s Callie. Which was weird at first, seeing her around the house on her girl days. And one day we were watching a movie, and I looked over at her, and she was so beautiful. And I kissed her. Then after a few minutes I kind of realized, hey, this is Calum you’re kissing. Not some girl you’re trying to get with.”

“And then things got really awkward,” Callie continues. “He avoided me for a long time after the kiss. And by the way, the point that he stopped was when he was feeling up my chest, so of course I knew it was the whole not-always-a-girl thing that had made him stop, so I was really upset. And eventually after a week of not talking to each other, I confronted him.”

“It turned into a big fight, and I said a lot of things I really shouldn’t have,” Ashton says, hanging his head a bit. “I called her a trap and said that I didn’t like boys and she wasn’t a real girl, all sorts of things like that. Of course, after she ran to her room crying I kind of realized what I had done. I drank a lot that night, passed out at the kitchen table.”

“I was really messed up that night. I cried myself to sleep,” Callie says. “The next day I woke up in the afternoon and just kind of sat in the living room. And he walked in and apologized. I didn’t really believe him at first. He kissed me again, and he promised me he likes me whether I’m a boy or a girl. Things happened. And the next morning he made me breakfast in bed. That day was a boy day, and I was so worried that he was going to freak out and run off when I told him. But he didn’t. He kissed me. And—this is so sweet—when I pointed out that he didn’t like boys, he said, ‘I don’t like boys. I like you.’ And we’ve been together ever since.”

“Awwww,” Michael and Luke say sarcastically.

“Shut up you two. You’re just jealous because no one wants you,” Callie says, smacking each of their heads.

“That is not true,” Michael says. “I am very sexy. Everyone wants me.”

Ashton rolls his eyes. Michael whispers in Ashton’s ear and Ashton says quietly to Callie, “He wants to know if this interview can be one where we can all come out.”

“I don’t see why not,” Callie tells Michael.

“Okay, and since we’re talking about me being sexy,” Michael says.

“No one was talking about that, Michael,” Luke tells him. “Literally no one but you said anything about you being sexy.” Luke rolls his eyes.

“Okay, fine. You’re just jealous of my sexiness,” Michael tells him. Callie rolls her eyes at Michael’s antics. She knows this is how he covers up his insecurities, so she doesn’t say anything. “Anyway,” Michael says, “before Luke so rudely questioned my sexiness, I was going to say that I’m bisexual. So I like everyone.”

“Yeah but no one wants to date you because you’re rude and you cheat at Mario Kart,” Luke says.

“That is absolutely not true. Any girl or guy or human being in general would be lucky to have me. And I don’t cheat; you’re just terrible at it.”

“Fine, Michael, whatever,” Luke says, sounding exasperated. “I guess since everyone’s coming out I might as well say I’m demisexual. That’s, um, on the asexual spectrum, if you don’t know. It basically means I have to have an emotional connection with someone before I can be attracted to them.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty good, we've got a bit of relationship development of cashton, a little bit of what could be considered angst. next chapter will have some smut and fluff, and more plot development.

They’re already into the UK tour when the interview airs. The day the interview airs is a day off, thank god, and it’s also a boy day for Calum. He sits on the couch in his hotel room with the rest of the band, biting his pink fingernails. “Calum, stop doing that, you’re ruining the paint,” Michael tells him, pulling his hand away from his mouth and squeezing it. “It’ll be okay. We’re all here with you. No matter what happens, none of us are going anywhere.”

“Relax, baby,” Ashton says, squeezing his shoulder where his arm is wrapped around Calum.

Calum takes a deep breath, looking at his boyfriend. “Sorry, Ash. I’m just really worried about how people will react. I mean, if a member of our management team, who we work with, called me a tranny when he found out, how are people who don’t even know us going to react? I’m gonna get so much hate,” he says quietly, resting his head on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I’m not going to tell you you’re not going to get hate, but I’m sure the support will be so much more, baby,” Ashton tells him. “I’m here for you, baby. I’m always here.”

“We’ll all be here, Calum,” Luke says, reaching across Michael to pat Calum’s shoulder.

The interview comes on, and Calum looks at himself onscreen, as a girl. It goes very smoothly, and is over in about half an hour. They didn’t edit anything out that he can see. “Okay, let’s see what the damage is,” he says, reaching for his phone, only to have his hand slapped away by Ashton.

“You don’t need to be looking at what people are saying right now, okay? Maybe later. Right now you’re really anxious and seeing people talking about you would only make it worse,” Ashton tells him.

“You’re probably right,” Calum agrees.

True to his word, Calum takes a break from social media for the day, and spends it with the boys instead, watching movies and just hanging out.

 

The next day they have a concert. It’s also a girl day. Callie smiles a bit when she realizes she can actually dress up as girly as she wants, because she’s out now, and everyone knows. She grabs her phone and gets on Twitter, wanting to see what people have said. Everyone’s shocked, is the main thing she notices. Some of the fans say things like they always thought she was a bit feminine or lately she’s been more girly so they thought something was up, but for the most part, it came as a shock. There are some people saying mean things, horrible things actually, but the majority of people are all very supportive. She smiles a bit.

She gets ready for the day, putting on her makeup and getting dressed in a black off-the-shoulder top that’s kind of see-through, faintly revealing the purple bra underneath, and a short purple plaid skirt with black tights, and some purple Converse. She looks in the mirror. “Hey, Ashton, does this look okay to wear tonight?” she asks him.

He looks up from where he’s sitting on their bed reading to look at her outfit. “You look amazing,” he tells her.

“I feel weird because I’m so tall,” she says, sitting on the bed with him, her head on his shoulder. “Like I know there are biological girls who are six feet tall and stuff, but I just feel like I’m too big. I feel like I’m going to go out there and look like a guy in drag,” she confesses. “That people will be laughing about it. This is the first concert I’m doing openly as a girl, and I just...what if I don’t look girly enough?”

“You look perfect, Callie. Stop worrying so much,” he says, kissing her head.

“Ashton?” she says, a thought just having occurred to her, remembering the last time they had a concert on one of her girl days. How he practically attacked her backstage afterwards. He’s never like that when she’s a boy.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Are you really attracted to me when I’m a boy, or do you just say you are? I know you love me no matter what I am, but...the only time you seem to want to sleep with me is when I’m a girl. And I don’t have a problem with that if that’s the case, I just...want to know. I know you say you’re heteroflexible, but I just wonder sometimes if you don’t find me appealing as a boy,” she says quietly.

“Honestly, I don’t know. It’s kind of confusing still,” he tells her. “I do find you more physically attractive when you’re a girl, honestly, but I’m not sure that there’s nothing when you’re a boy.”

“You never touch me when we’re having sex when I’m a boy,” she tells him. “Not like you do when I’m a girl. You know what I’m talking about. And it’s fine; I can still get off like that, I can touch myself, I just...it’s like you can’t look at it, or it’ll remind you that you’re having sex with a boy. Just tell me if you don’t want me as a boy. It’s not going to hurt my feelings; I don’t have many boy days anyway. I know you still love me, but I get it if you’re only turned on by me as a girl. I understand. You’re straight; I get it,” she looks in his eyes.

He looks down, looking away from her. She sighs. She’d kind of figured that was the case. “Callie,” he says, then stops, like he doesn’t know what to say. “Yeah,” he admits quietly, sounding ashamed. “I want to be able to want you all the time, and I still want you romantically, I just...can’t have sex with a boy. It doesn’t really work that well for me.”

She was prepared for his answer, expected it actually, but it still hurts to hear it. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “Is...my body okay? Are you turned off by it?” she asks him. “And don’t lie to spare my feelings.”

“It doesn’t exactly...turn me off,” he says slowly, “but it’s not, like, a turn-on, either. But it’s always easier for me if you’re still in your bra, and you always wear panties during it, so it’s easy not to think about it.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t exactly like my body, either,” she tells him, cracking a bit of a smile. “And I barely have any boy days anymore,” she says, leaning down and pressing a kiss to his shoulder, then turning her head to rest in the crook of his neck.

“Yesterday was a boy day,” he reminds her.

“Yeah but that was the first one in what, three weeks?” she says. “I swear I’m not upset. Thanks for being honest. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Callie,” he says, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

 

The concert that night is amazing. The best part, though, is when Callie spots a sign that says “We love you Calum” in letters the color of the genderfluid pride flag. She grins. The boys use she/her pronouns for her during the concert, and they call her Callie the whole time, and she loves finally being able to be herself. Toward the end of the concert, she speaks to the crowd. “I want to thank all you guys for being here, but also specifically for still being here even though I’m a girl tonight and not the hot guy you probably came to see,” she says, smiling a bit. “It’s amazing for me to finally be able to be myself, and you guys have all been so supportive of me, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s still a big adjustment for me, being able to actually be myself around everyone, but you guys have all been there for me and you’re the best fans in the world.”

After the concert, Ashton holds her and kisses her forehead. “You did great,” he tells her. “I love you, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

She smiles at him. “It’s enough that you stay. We can talk more about it tomorrow.”

“You look really good in that outfit,” he says, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “Purple looks good on you.”

“Do I look like a girl?” she asks him seriously.

“Yeah,” he tells her. “The prettiest girl in the world.”

“That is so not true; now you’re just sucking up. There are tons of girls way prettier than me. But thanks anyway,” she says, laughing. She leans in closer. “Do I look girly enough for you to let me blow you when we get back to the hotel?” she asks him, and she chuckles as she feels him shiver at her words.

“I won’t be able to return the favor,” he tells her seriously. “I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” she tells him. “You don’t have to. I know you don’t like my...parts. I can take care of myself.”

“That doesn’t seem fair, though,” Ashton says, looking at her. “I want to make you feel good too.”

“We can figure something out when we get there.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i really like this chapter. it kind of deals with some of the difficulties ashton has with dating a trans person, because he's straight. it also has a bit of humor at the end.

“I really want you right now, Ashton. It’s okay if you don’t want to do anything with me though,” Callie says when they’re making out in their underwear on the bed in their hotel room after the concert. “I wasn’t joking about wanting to blow you.”

“Callie, I just...I mean, we’ve had sex before, so your body’s obviously not an issue for me; it’s just, I’ve never actually touched you except in your panties and I don’t know if I actually could look at it and be able to do it,” Ashton says, looking at her, obviously feeling guilty.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she tells him. “If you don’t want to do something else, it’s fine. I get that the touching thing bothers you. You can just fuck me again, if you want. I know you don’t have a problem with that.”

Ashton sighs, looking away. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I wish I could be turned on by it. I don’t like that I have to have sex with you in your underwear so I can’t see your dick or I can’t keep it up.”

“That was blunt,” Callie notes. “You sure know how to make a girl feel special. But seriously. I get it. I’m not asking you to change what you’re attracted to, Ashton. We’ll make it work. What do you wanna do? If you just want to go to sleep and not have sex at all tonight, I’m fine with that.”

“I guess I could try...I mean, I probably wouldn’t mind, uh...can I maybe try eating you out?”

Callie stares at him in surprise. She definitely hadn’t expected Ashton to want that. Honestly, she’s been surprised how ok he is with the whole anal thing. But this is more than she’d hoped for. “You do realize your mouth would be in contact with my asshole, right? You’re sure you’re okay with that?”

“Well it sounds gross when you put it that way,” he tells her. “But I think I’m okay with it. If I want to stop, I will.”

“Okay. Can you do it with my panties still on, or do I have to take them off?” she asks him.

“We can try it with them on but if it’s too difficult you may have to take them off.”

“Okay,” she says, getting on her hands and knees, waiting for Ashton to do something. She feels a shaky hand pull aside her panties and hot breath against her hole, making her shudder. She looks back to see Ashton just sitting there, like he’s trying to work up the courage to actually do it. “It’s okay if you changed your mind,” she tells him.

“I just...don’t exactly know what to do. I mean, I have an idea of what to do, but I don’t know if I’m gonna be good at it,” he says quietly.

She feels his breath on her skin again, and then a jolt of pleasure runs through her as his tongue runs over her hole, making her whimper. She moans loudly as she feels his tongue prod at her entrance, dipping in slightly before going back to licking. “God that feels good,” she says breathlessly. No one’s ever eaten her out before, and honestly she can’t believe she’s gone this long without feeling this; it feels incredible, maybe even better than being fucked. She’s always known she was sensitive back there, but this is still surprising how good it feels, and now he’s fucking her with his tongue, and she feels his hand against her through the panties, stroking her through the thin fabric, and she knows he isn’t touching her directly but the fact that he’s touching her at all is impressive and she feels herself getting close soon, the feeling of his mouth and his hand combining to bring her right to the edge, but she can’t quite reach it. “I’m close,” she groans. “I just...can’t seem to get there.”

She feels Ashton move aside the fabric of her panties some more and she feels his mouth on her balls and that’s what does it, the knowledge that he’s gone out of his comfort zone to please her, and she comes with a cry, making a mess of her panties, collapsing on the bed. She rolls over onto her back and sees Ashton looking at her, an unsure expression on his face. “Did I do okay?” he asks her.

She looks at him in disbelief. That was one of the best sexual experiences she’s ever had and he’s asking her if he did ok. “Better than okay,” she tells him. “God, Ashton, your mouth is amazing. You can do that to me any time you want.” He smiles. “Now lie back; I’m gonna blow you now.”

“Uh, no need, actually,” he says sheepishly. “I, uh, already came.”

“You got off on that?” she asks, shocked. “Wow. Um, okay, then.”

 

“I’ve decided I want to go on estrogen,” Calum announces one day on the bus. The others just stare at them. “I mean, I think it’ll make me a lot more comfortable in my body,” they explain.

“Don’t you have to go through some big process for that?” Michael asks them.

“Just a couple months of therapy and then your therapist can write the letter,” they tell him.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Ashton asks them. They nod. “Okay then. We can try to find you a therapist then.”

“So will you have boobs, then?” Luke asks.

Calum looks at him. That sounds more like something Michael would ask, and they definitely didn’t expect it from Luke. “Uh, yeah, that’s, uh, kinda the point, Luke,” they tell him, chuckling a bit as he blushes. “Why?”

“I dunno, just curious. That’ll be kinda weird on your boy days, won’t it?”

Calum pauses. That’s a good point. But they’ve only had, like, three boy days on this leg of the tour. The rest have been girl days or both days. This is the only neither day they’ve had so far on the UK tour, which is good because those are always the hardest for them. “Most days I’m a girl or both, so it’s not that big a deal,” they say.

“So today’s a both day, right? Cuz you’re not wearing a bra or going by Callie today,” Michael asks.

“No, actually, today’s a neither day,” they say.

“You haven’t had one of those in a while,” Ashton notes.

 

The next day they have another concert, and it’s a rare day where Calum is a boy. “Are you still sure you want to go on estrogen?” Ashton asks him while the opening act is playing and they’re sitting around backstage.

“Yeah,” Calum says. “I mean, it’ll be weird on days like today once I have boobs and stuff, but...it’ll really help on the other days.” He shrugs.

“Okay. Whatever makes you happy,” Ashton tells him, kissing him on the lips once, just a peck. “I just want to make sure this is really what you want.”

“It’ll probably be better for you when I have boobs,” he tells Ashton seriously.

“That doesn’t matter. Yeah, it will be a bit easier for me, but I just want you to be happy. The sex thing doesn’t matter. Besides, we’re figuring it out. I’m sorry about days like today, though.”

“Ashton, I get it, you’re straight. You don’t have to apologize.”

“Actually, I think I’m panromantic and heterosexual,” Ashton tells him.

“Still, you’re only sexually attracted to girls,” Calum points out. “You love me no matter what, though. I don’t mind that you can only sleep with me on my girl days. You can’t change what you’re attracted to. It’s not your fault, Ash.”

“I just feel so shitty about it, though. I mean, what kind of a boyfriend am I, getting turned off by my boyfriend’s body?”

“Um, a straight one?” Calum says, shaking his head. “Seriously, stop beating yourself up about it, Ash.”

 

By the end of the UK tour, Calum’s had several concerts where they were a girl, almost as many concerts where they were both, and just two where they were a boy. They love being able to be themselves, and even though some people judge them for it, they don’t care. During that time, Calum starts seeing a gender therapist through video chat, since they can’t conceivably be at a session once a week while touring. The therapist assures them that it most likely won’t be an issue for them to get hormones.

The concerts on their girl days are always interesting. Callie jokes with the crowd that just because she’s a girl tonight doesn’t mean the fans shouldn’t throw bras onstage; those things are expensive as fuck. Ashton always rolls his eyes and says something about how she doesn’t know where those things have been and she always says it’s not like she’s wearing the panties thrown onstage, because that would be gross.

 

One night on the European tour, she’s joking about bras again and Michael says that she already has enough bras to fill a Victoria’s Secret, and she smacks him upside the head and says that at least she actually has clean underwear at all times, which leads to them play-fighting. “Seriously, though. 36AA, if you want to bring me one,” she says to the crowd.

“Callie, seriously, the fans aren’t going to buy your bras,” Luke tells her. “You’re a big girl, you can go shopping yourself.”

“Fuck you, Luke,” she says. “You’re just jealous because the fans never throw clothes for you onstage.”

“I really don’t think these were meant for you,” he tells her, holding up a pair of panties that has a phone number written on it and says Call me, Michael.

“Fine,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Let’s play the next song, then.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for the second part of this chapter for transphobia and violence. this chapter's not exactly happy in the middle. but i want to be realistic, and violence against trans people, especially trans women, is a big problem.

It’s the beginning of the North American tour. Callie stares at the bottle of pills that she’s been waiting months to get. She’s nervous, doesn’t know exactly what’s going to change, how big her breasts will get, whether she’ll ever have a very feminine figure. But she wants this. She swallows the pill, then goes into the back lounge of the bus where the others are sitting around watching Llamas With Hats on YouTube. “I just took the first one,” she tells them. “I’ve officially started hormone therapy.”

The boys congratulate her and Ashton pulls her down on his lap and kisses her deeply, causing the others to make noises of disgust. “Get a room, guys,” Luke complains, but he’s smiling so he can’t be that upset.

Callie pulls away just long enough to retort, “Technically, we’re in a room,” which makes Luke flip her off. She giggles.

“So when are your boobs going to grow in?” Michael asks her, looking at her chest like he expects it to grow before his eyes.

“It’s different for everyone but it’ll probably be a couple months before anything noticeable happens. It’s not instantaneous, Michael. I’m not gonna wake up one morning with DD boobs.” She snorts.

“I know that! I’m not stupid, Callie. I was just curious.”

“Uh-huh, sure, Michael,” she says patronizingly.

“We should go out and celebrate,” Ashton says.

“Yeah, we should,” Callie agrees.

 

Callie’s sitting at a table, watching the others dance. She’s not really feeling much like dancing right now. She’s wondering if going on estrogen really is the right decision. She thinks it is. Her thoughts are interrupted by someone tapping her on the shoulder. She doesn’t know the guy, but he hands her a drink, and says, “I bought you a drink.”

“Thanks,” she says quietly, taking a sip. It’s fruity, and she doesn’t usually drink fruity things but this is pretty good.

“What’s your name?” the guy says conversationally. Something seems kind of off about him, but she just shrugs it off.

“Callie,” she says. “Listen, I have a boyfriend, so if you’re trying to get with me, you’re going to be disappointed,” she tells him. She’s starting to feel kind of weird now. “I feel weird. Kind of dizzy,” she says. She blacks out then.

The next thing she knows, she’s in the alley behind the club, pressed against the wall, and the guy is kissing her. She tries to push him off, but he pins her arms to the wall with one hand, the other hand reaching up under her skirt. He jumps back when he realizes what she has in her pants. “You tricked me,” he says angrily, looking at her.

“I didn’t do anything,” she says. “You drugged me. You were going to rape me,” she realizes, eyes going wide.

“Now I’m not. Fucking tranny,” the guy says, and she barely has time to react before he punches her in the face. “You like tricking guys like that? Making ‘em think you’re a girl?” the guy says, hitting her again.

“I am a girl,” she says defiantly.

“Judging from what you’ve got under your skirt, I’d say you’re not. You little trap. You think anyone’s gonna take you seriously? I bet you don’t even have real tits,” he says, groping her chest. “Bet you just stuffed a bra to trick people.”

“Fuck you,” she says, trying to free her hands so she can get away. But this guy is really strong, stronger than her, so she’s pinned to the wall, terrified. She’s heard of things like this happening to trans women when guys realize they’re trans. She just never thought it’d happen to her. She’s never wished to be cisgender as much as she does in that moment. After what seems like an eternity of blows to her face and body, the man must think he’s beaten her enough, because he spits in her face and walks away.

She fixes her clothes and wipes the blood from her face where he must have broken her nose, then searches for her phone. She realizes it was in her purse, which must still be in the club.

 

She enters through the back door that’s propped open for some reason, going over to where she’d been sitting to find the others there talking amongst themselves. She collapses into the booth seat, on top of Michael, and Ashton reaches out and touches her cheek where a bruise must be forming. “What happened? Did someone hit you?” he asks, a mix of concerned and barely-concealed anger in his voice.

“Tell you later,” she says quietly, her lip quivering.. “I don’t wanna talk about it. Can we go back to the hotel now?”

 

Callie stands in the bathroom, inspecting the damage to her face in the mirror. She wets a washcloth and dabs at the dried blood, wincing at the soreness. She takes a deep breath and pulls her shirt off, seeing bruises blooming on the brown skin of her torso. She hears a knock on the door. “Callie? Can I come in?” Ashton asks through the door.

“Yeah,” she says quietly. The door opens and Ashton walks in, stopping abruptly when he sees her injuries.

“What happened?” he asks her gently, gingerly touching her cheek where a bruise is beginning to form.

She takes a deep breath. “There was a guy. Brought me a drink. He must have drugged it, but obviously it was dosed for someone smaller than me. I came to in the alley behind the club, and he was kissing me. Then when he realized I’m trans he started beating me up for ‘tricking him’,” she says quickly, then buries her head in Ashton’s shoulder, sobbing.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Ashton tells her, kissing her forehead, his voice shaking a bit.

“At least I wasn’t murdered,” she says. “Sometimes people aren’t as lucky as I was.”

“Being beaten up in an alley because of who you are is not lucky, Callie,” Ashton tells her. “Let me see where you’re hurt. Make sure we don’t need to take you to a hospital,” he says, pulling back a bit, and presses a quick kiss to her lips. “Take your bra off.”

She does as he says, and he presses his fingertips to the various bruises covering her body. She winces whenever he presses a bit too hard. He feels around her ribcage a bit, and she knows he’s trying to check and see if she broke any ribs. “I don’t think he broke anything. Except maybe my nose.”

He looks at her face. He presses soft kisses to the more obvious bruises, then presses another kiss to her lips. “C’mon, let’s take a shower, get you cleaned up. The warm water might feel good too,” Ashton tells her, pulling his shirt off, then turning on the water.

“Together?” she asks. He’s never wanted to shower together before.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’ll take care of you. Clean you up.”

She pulls off the rest of her clothes and steps inside the shower, and he follows her. She sighs as the water hits her abused skin. “This feels better already.”

He wets a washcloth and lathers it with soap, pressing it gently to the skin of her torso. “Tell me if it hurts; I’ll try to be as gentle as I can.” She smiles.

 

The next day when they look in the mirror the bruises are really obvious. “What am I going to do? I don’t know if makeup will cover all of these,” they say as they’re eating breakfast in their room along with the boys.

“We could always tell people what happened,” Luke says.

Calum looks at him, considering it. If they tell people what happened, it could raise awareness for violence against trans people. They nod. “That’s a good idea. I’ll do that when people ask. And I’ll say something about it at the concert.”

“Okay.”

 

“As you can see, Calum’s a little beaten up tonight, and I think they want to tell you all about what happened, right, Calum?” Ashton says after the first song that night.

“Yeah. Yesterday was my first dose of estrogen,” they say, and the crowd cheers, making them smile. “And so we decided to all go out and celebrate. I was feeling really girly so of course I was all dressed up in a dress and passing as a girl. Well, a guy apparently thought I was an easy target, because he put something in my drink. When I woke up, I was in an alley pinned to a wall. As soon as he realized I wasn’t a biological girl, he got really angry, and he beat me up. So, uh...yeah. I have no clue who he was, never seen him before in my life, and I hope to never see him again. But I’m just a small part of a large amount of transgender people who are attacked every day simply for being who they are. I’m lucky. A lot of people who are attacked are killed.”

 

“You were so brave telling everyone about what happened,” Ashton whispers to them after the concert. “I’m so proud of you, Calum.”

They smile and kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”


End file.
